因寂寞而恋爱？？？

有人问我，现在我对于爱情的心情是怎么样？我说我自己也不知道。。。我的心情有点乱，自己想要怎么样也不知道。。。我渴望被爱， 所以想要找个爱我多过我爱他的人，但是有这么一个人吗？在我目前的社交圈里好像很难找到。。。说着说着，谈到关于我会不会因寂寞而恋爱？这话题让我回想曾经有人向我表白，或许并不是真的表白，我大约记得内容是说我们都一起在云顶工作，不如在一起。那样不算是表白或追求吧。。。他这样说，只让我觉得他是因为在上面工作， 寂寞而想要有人陪，并不是真的喜欢我，我就一口拒绝了，虽然他其实会是个不错的对象，但是他并不是真的喜欢我，我也只是觉得他不错而已，这样的恋爱并不是我所要的，更不会长久。但是有些人是真的会因寂寞而恋爱，我搞不懂他们是怎么想的。。。如果你问我，我寂寞吗？是的，就算有很多朋友在身边，偶尔还是会感到寂寞，但我不会因此而跟某人恋爱。没感觉就不是真的恋爱， 只是要个伴在身边。。。有时候很讨厌，我不能够单身的吗？那些AUNTIE都喜欢问我，“没拍拖啊？”就连那些补习学生都问。。。怎么？我已经到了一定要恋爱否则就没人要的阶段吗？还问要不要介绍男生给我，说是有个男的，在美国念书，要回来打理家族生意，要找个女朋友。。。拜托！我才二十一岁耶！我还没到需要相亲的地步吧？ 要也介绍给我姐姐的同事吧，二十八岁都还没恋爱的。。。我的爱情是掌握在我自己的手里。。。

sTr3sS...

Last nit, I go 4 mass comm society meeting till 10.15pm, then i rush bek 2 type d formal letter 2 request 4 photographers from photography society...But then i receive d photography society chairman call...He ask y so late submit d formal letter as he have been told Eng Aun since mon...But I only receive "order" on wed, then I hv told Eng Aun I hv exam on thu, so mayb cnt make it, but he said can submit by fri de...I oso dunno wat 2 do....Then I try 2 search 4 help...I ask "dai lou" whether he can b our helper anot, but he said he oleldi promise his fren to take photo for his fren. He suggest me 2 submit d letter 1st, c dsa approve anot...Then I try 2 type d letter. While I'm typing, I find him 2 chat...But he said no mood, I ask y,he juz said will tell me next time...If he dun wan tell, I dun force lo...So I try 2 tell him a joke as his mood not good...But I get belated reply...Then I go check whether he hv blogging anot n try 2 find out y his mood not good...

When I read through his blog,really surprise me...N he got sum -ve tinking...I leave comments 2 him, try 2 cheer him up...I try find him chat,but dunno he is busy or watever, I wait long long time oso din get reply...At tat time really really tired n sleepy as I wake up at 7.30am, got exam n a lot of things 2 do....Oledi 12.40am,still no reply,really cnt tahan liao...Juz put all my comments n I go sleep....

I'm really tired but dunno y cnt sleep well...Summore got nitmare n I really cham as I fall down from my bed at mid nit...Really "lebam" here n there...Then 6am awake bcoz of heavy raining outside...Should b a nice morning 2 continue sleep but I need go 2 class at 8am...

Really "kek sei" coz d morning lecture class only 45 mins...I wanna skip AV tutorial class n bek home sleep...But all of them oso going bek, then who go 2 AV class???Only left PF alone ar??? So I sacrified myself lo...I stay bek n help her tink bout d concept n idea...I'm really tired n sleepy n yet try 2 tink bout d concept n idea...Luckily our tutor accept our idea...haha...PF wory tat only 2 of us decide d concept n idea, if d others not agree how???I said v oso cnt do anything as they wanna skip d class n din help 2 cum out wif d idea...Summore, tutor wan d idea n concept liao, how v gonna discuss wif them???Call 1 by 1 ar???Not our fault wo....Not v wanna discuss by ourselves, is they dun join d discussion....If they still wanna blame on us, juz let it b ba...

So sad...Not yet start study IPC....2molo gonna exam liao...Really dunno d "die" word how 2 write....Dunno y really stress tis week, seems like cnt breathe...A lot of things 2 do, more n more pimples tat I never hv so much b4...wuwu...I wan "qing chun", dun wan "dou dou" la...

离别曲。。。

离别曲

刚刚收到惊人的消息，阿豪告诉我他爸爸因车祸去世了。。。虽然我只见过他爸爸一面，但是他爸爸还算是个不错的人。他说他很伤心，没心情工作，我除了节哀顺变，都不知道要怎么安慰他。。。他之前跟他爸爸的关系不太好，我看过他们吵架。我问他有没有后悔，他说都已过去，后悔也没用。。。是的，无论后悔与否，人死不能复生。。。
突然觉得人生很脆弱，一个人可以就这么突然死掉，好多事情都还没做呢！人应该珍惜所拥有的，不要等到失去后才觉得可惜。。。人生啊！就是这样。。。我也要珍惜身边的一切，好好享受我的生活。。。
希望你不要太难过，虽然你爸爸离开了，你必须要撑起家里，但是别给自己太大压力，因为有人帮你分担，并不是只有你一个人撑起整个家。。。加油哦！

没资格去在乎。。。

因为我太在乎

谢谢你。。。

遇见你是美丽的意外

过去的情感过的很精彩

面对你 我发现了未来

爱让我勇敢 不管多艰难

快乐的起点 悲伤的终点

总是在需要你的时候陪我度过考验

不断的重现 感动的画面

在身边围绕着甜蜜幸福的圈圈

谢谢你对我的爱 是最美的语言我的心愿

相信你都听见

就算爱必须离开 面对陌生空间

你的体贴值得每天怀念

谢谢你对我等待 是最好的再见

我的眼泪 相信你能体会

就算爱必须分开 留在两个世界

你的誓言 没有保存期限

要怎么 爱不会有遗憾

梦走得太快 舍不得醒来

你的笑 让心情很灿烂

心里还存在 留下的温暖

过了这些年 距离在远

你一直关心我 帮着我照顾着我

谢谢你对我的爱 谢谢你

我的心愿 你都听见

值得就算爱必须离开 每天怀念

每天怀念

谢谢你对我等待 是最好的再见

我的眼泪 相信你能体会

就算爱必须分开 留在两个世界

你的誓言 没有保存期限


昨晚突然想到这首歌，每每有一首歌突然出现在我脑海，那首歌就是当时的心情。虽然有点恨你，但还是谢谢你。你总是在我需要帮助时帮助我，默默地为我做一些事。昨晚看到你在线上，就有个冲动想跟你聊聊，知道你的近况。。。我鼓起勇气打破尴尬。原来并不是那么难，我甚至还可以跟你开完笑。。。看来你过得满不错，或许你才是对的。你看到某人以为是我，是我在你心里还有一点位置吗？？？哈哈哈。。。或许不是吧。。。我好久没跟你联络，但是你却知道我在一年里做过临教，在拉曼读书。。。反而是我对你的事一无所知。。。
我就是懒得去在乎别人过得如何， 除非对我来说是重要或是我很关心的人。或许我就是这样吧！该关心的不够关心，不该关心的却想太多。。。就好比说我跟你并不是什么关系，我根本没资格去那么在乎或关心你身边的人，事与物。。。不过昨晚突然想要关心你，可是你没确实地告诉我，真让我有点挫败感。 所以当你问到关于我写的“我不应该太在乎因为我没资格”时候，我赌气地说这是我的秘密，就是不告诉你。。。可是想想， 我到底是写那句话给谁看？？？我本来是要写给某人看，却又刚好适合用在你我之间。。。我和“你”的关系仅此而已，我哪有资格管那么多？ 我自己也搞不清楚，模糊了。。。太在乎只会让自己觉得辛苦又难过，过于在乎的，只会是个失败者，我又何必傻傻当个失败者呢？傻瓜，清醒点吧！

思念会不会是一种习惯？？？

有个女孩说：“思念不过是一种习惯。”我们都曾经以为，我爱他， 我才会思念他。我习惯了思念他，他走了，我还是没法不思念他。一天，我终于不再思念他，是因为他离开太久了，我的习惯已经不再是习惯。如果思念只是习惯，那么，就习惯一下不去思念任何人吧！

失望，盼望，绝望==）期待，失望，盼望，快乐

曾经何时，我写过一篇日记，叫做失望，盼望，绝望。。。 以下是之前的内容：

人难免会有失望的时候....

只是太多的失望,累积起来,有天会变成绝望.....

有时侯,一些微小的失望,会变成盼望.............

本来期望他今天能够陪我,他说有事不能来,让我很失望.为什么他不能来?无论我如何撒娇,生气,他还是说他说不能来.也没有哄我.然而我还是会期待他会奇迹出现...

可是到头来我的期待还是落空...他没有出现,我很失望也感觉很寂寞...

"其实我一个人也可以,只是我不想..."

尽管如此,我还是希望明天能够和他见面.他想我原谅他,那好吧!如果他立刻出现,那我就原谅他.可是他却给了我很多不来的理由,我告诉他如果他有心就办得到.就快到我放工的时间了,本以为又要失望了,他却突然出现了.我们一起聊天,心里开心极了...我不禁会想,如果不是失望过,见面时会那么兴奋吗?

然而,失望不能够永远都变成盼望....

他一次又一次不能陪我.是的,我明白他有很多理由不得空,但我总是无可避免的感到失望.答应了我会来,却突然有事,在那一刻,他不懂我有多么失望.他既然舍得让我失望,那么我在他心里也不是那么重要..

当我们发现自己让对方失望时,我们总是对自己说:"下次,下一次,我会尽量不让他失望."我们常常以为还有很多时间,还有很多机会补偿,却不知道对方可能已经绝望了................

是的，曾经有人让我从失望变成盼望然后是绝望，所以我最讨厌别人答应我却又办不到。。。办不到就办不到，别给我期望，宁愿你狠狠地转身离开，也别让我有所期待。。。“你”答应今天会陪我去逛夜市，“你”有办到，虽然“你”看起来没什么精神，但是还是很高兴“你”办到所答应的事情。。。虽然“你”上星期放飞机，让我很是失望，让我有点盼望今天的到来。今天不是从盼望到失望，而是快乐的一天，所以还是谢谢“你”今天抽空。。。“你”会像他一样让我最后变成失望吗？

Malaysia Festival of Mind

These 2 days I hv joined the Malaysia Festival of Mind...I only attended d talks tat I felt interesting...Only Pei Fern n I go 4 d sat talks...

11/7/2009

D 1st talk v attended is "Developing Openness to New Ideas for enhancing Creative Thinking"...Tis talk quite attractive...A movie shown in d talk very touch, I'm almost wanna cry...hehe...Its talking bout a guy call nick without arms n legs. N yet he accepted himself n live wonderful...he gave talk 2 students...at 1st he try 2 make fund of his"mini foot" by playing beatbox using his "mini leg"...then he make himself fall down. he told d students tat they all may thought it is difficult 4 him 2 stood up as he dun hv arms n legs, but he make it!!!really really touch!!!a guy without arms n legs oso can stood up from falling down, then y r v can't???v r human wif arms n legs,n yet oways tot tat v can't stand after v fall down, v oways gv up at d 1st time v lose...tis guy really inspire me...
Then v wanna attend d "self-hypnosis" talk, but there r a lot of ppl n sum bad ppl jump queue...really hate n wanna scold them but I'm not dare,coz juz 2 of us, they r 5 ppl leh...but very unlucky, d talk only offer 4 30 utarian, v din get in...so v decided 2 joined d 3pm workshop...So v juz hang around n play sum games...there r a head which is cut horizontal tat v can saw all d brains, wat inside d mouth, nose n others...d malay gal told us tat is a real ppl head n beside there got a real ppl's brain...so syiok when heard bout tat...how cum hv ppl wanna sacrified their brain n head???v oso go n try 2 "match some puzzles"(act dunno how 2 call it) into sum shape tat r required...v hv used d 4 puzzles 2 make a square but when add a pieces of puzzle 2 make a bigger square,v takes a lot of time...v go ahng around n bek again 2 challenge tat game...d guy oso remember us,said v dun gv up, bek again...yes, v r..."v will b back"...haha...finally v make it n v go try another 1 which v need 2 make a "M" shape.


get it when v register

3pm v go 4 d self hypnosis workshop...v r really awaiting 4 it,but at d end hor...boring till wanna run away...haha...after 10 mins d talk start, I really started 2 "feel sleepy"...dunno his talk is so boring or he is really so excellent in hypnosis, I really wanna sleep at tat time...I hv try my best 2 make myself "awake"...then he hypnosis us, v all sat n relaxed, really all d sound outside there can't b heard anymore,I'm really relaxing...Suddenly, sum1's phone rang, I suddenly awake...dunno who is d stupid who din off d ringtone...I open my eyes n saw d gal in front taking out her phone,n yet she not silent it, ranf 2 more times b4 she went out...so bad...makes me n Pei Fern cnt get bek 2 d hypnosis situation...haiz...really a bad bad day....

12/7/2009

2day v go earlier than yesterday...Wen Huey n Hian Theng joined us...At 1st v attended "your future begins in ur mind" talk...tis talk really boring as it repeated sum part of d yesterday talk"openness 2 new ideas"...really wanna fall as sleep...then v go 4 d "mind mapping for quick action"...Act I'm not so interesting 2 join tis talk but they all wanna join tis...haiz...d talk quite ok n short as i dun felt sleepy...haha...after tat,really hungry,I go bought my favourite muffin as there r only malay stall opened...then v took some "books" bek for my cousin...d last talk v attended is "M.I.N.D. your success"...tis talk is d most fun talk tat I hv attended these 2 days...tis talk is a bit like d "take charge" program tat I attended b4...N Wen Huey n I decided 2 join d member...All of us influence by tat talk...haha...

n3w HaIrStYl3...

2day, I accompany April go cut hair at ah Dong's saloon...But then I oso cut my hair...Cut until very very short...changing my imej...Mayb there r some ppl wondering tat I receive shock or mayb I'm 失恋 n suddenly cut my hair...Haha...Both of my sis very shock when they saw me cut my hair...But d truth is....
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Tis is d actual hairstyle tat i cut...haha...d short I juz "keep" it inside...All fool by me...

bAd mOOd

2day is a bad day...a lot of things 2 do...
from 8am till 6.45pm...then still need continue to do household...
i tink 2day i'm a bit "dak zui" (J n HC )...
morning in d tutorial class, v need 2 write a pitch letter,v should b discussing on d letter. But both of them discuss bout d other ass pula...I talk 2 PF but dunno y J heard bout it,n said sorry...but she looks like not "song"...
Then attend class till 12pm sumthing. V go 2 Tomato ketchup eat...Wait 4 a long long period,hungry...But d food quite ok la...V go J there do ass,but a bit wasting time as J not feeling well n HC late...
Then i rush bek 2 teach tuition coz my sis go 4 camping,so i'm d part time teacher.d students nowsaday really "kek sum"...noisy n no respect.i hv explain 2 them but they r talking at d bek,then after i explain all, cum n ask me d same explaination...
1st time i 4give them,2nd time i oso 4give them,3rd time....d 4th time really cnt tahan liao...i scold them "gao gao", but then i really regret,coz my throat feel very pain after tat...wuwu...
then i receive his call,ask me go 2 pasar malam,then i said ok...coz last week said wanna go 2gather,but tat time i tot is joking,but he really call me out...quite happy at tat time,but bout 6pm sumthing,said got things 2 do,cancel pula...sui ppl,"fong fei kei"...he said next time,juz listen 1st la...mayb next week same like 2day,suddenly got things 2 do then cancel...
makes my mood so bad...but then 2nit many ppl concern bout me,hehe...thanks 2 all of u...Sam,April,penguin...appreciate...

理想情人。。。

理想情人。。。
穿上洋装看着手表
时间快到心砰砰地跳
和你的第一次约会来临了
金色的阳光洒满人行道
换了新唇膏把头发弄好
要你看到我的好
喜欢看你走路充满自信
说话时候你的专注眼神
温柔的表情笑容里的天真
我相信找不到有比你更好的人
你心里理想情人是几分
是否也会有我的份
好想知道你的100分
会给怎样的人
亲爱的你不要再陌生增加我戏份
我想问亲爱的你把感情升等
朋友变成情人
可不可以告诉我标准
不要让我一直等
听着那时间滴答的走
对街的你在点头
好象一个梦
渐渐走到我前头

好听！有时候在情人与朋友之间的关系更微妙，通常都是甜蜜的，因为都看不到对方的缺点；但是也有酸酸的，吃不到的醋，因为不是他的什么人，没资格吃醋，这是最酸的醋。因为俗语说吃不到的葡萄是酸的。哈哈哈。。。不过世上有一百分的情人吗？我想没有吧，因为这世上根本没有十全十美的人。我想只有五十分的两人加起来变一百分，因为大家弥补各自的缺陷。哈哈哈。。。或许这只是我的歪理。。。每个人都有自己的标准，自己的理想情人，但是又有多少人真的能够找到自己理想的100分情人？我也没有遇到过，我之前的男朋友都不是十分概括在我理想情人的标准，感觉对了就是。有时候期望太高，失望也越大。那我不贪心，只要五十分的情人就好。那么我的五十分情人在哪？？？

我的旧日记本。。。

突然看回以前自己写的日记本，发觉自己很笨，为什么会有哪些想法呢？为什么我要这么执着，让自己那么傻？是要跌的重伤才会放弃？！到底是我太爱幻想和敏感，还是我没有安全感？？？有时候真的想什么也不管，什么也不知道。。。能吗？我装不懂，当我天真幼稚：我懂， 却又知道许多我不想知道的事。总是那么矛盾。。。
最近都有讨论关于远距离恋爱，我曾经有过。。。（很抱歉对“你”说谎， 只是我自己不太想回忆起）就算有人对我好，我并没有变心，但他却要把我让给人，一次又一次说我应该有更好的。。。我讨厌！我既然已经选择了你，你应该对自己有信心。。。然而，他总是觉得我们差距很大。。。算了吧！该做的我做了，该说的也说了，无遗憾。。。倒是很感谢陪我走过失恋的朋友，等我放工听我诉苦，说着说到流泪的我，真觉得当时的自己一定很丑。。。还陪我去唱歌打机。在大学里，根本不会找到这样的朋友，大家都只顾着自己。有人说我什么事情都写在脸上，但是他却从来都猜不透我要的是什么。
诚实坦白到底是好还是不好？这世上有没有一个人，不用我多说，就能知道我的想法？能够在我心情不好时逗我或者让我对着发脾气？让我有安全感，不抽烟，不喝酒，跟我分享而不是都只有其中一方在说，另一方在听而已。不需要每天对我说甜言蜜语，却每天做爱我的事？有各自的空间，有时还会对我撒娇的。。。我好像很贪心，哈哈哈。。。

hApPy hOuR

3/7/2009
I go sing k wif Mei Kay n Kai Hao...V go Jusco K-Box,v go shopping around 2. 2 n a half hour act not enough 4 us 2 sing coz so much songs tat v wanna sing. But luckily I still got time sing d songs I wan d most. V buy a lot of things from head till foot. Haha... Act I seldom go shopping wif frens n buy so much things, usually I juz buy 1 or 2 things or even din buy anything...
N dunno wats wrong wif me, every word I wanna said will bcum another things...Eg, I wanna said bout "orang asli" but I said " orang asing", I wanna said " kacang putih" then d word cum out is " ais kacang"...Omg wats wrong wif me??? They laugh at me,seems like I'm d ppl who makes them laugh. Izit bcoz last nit not enough sleep??? I go on bed bout 12.30am but yet cnt sleep, thinking of sum1, dunno y "he" suddenly cross my mind, so I fall as sleep bout 1.30am. Haiz, I hv morning class at 8am leh, means I need wake up bout 6.30am, not enough sleep leh. I need sleep at least 6 hours per day leh, last time when working, I sleep 8 hours per day de...Then I really bcum panda like he said lo. So bad...But luckily not me drive, haha...
Mei Kay's car dunno wat problem, her windows very "mcc", she try 2 use d water 2 wash but lagi "mcc", haha... Finally I get d shoes tat I wan coz I hv go 2 many shops but din get d shoes tat I wan. When I reach home, is oledi bout 10pm, I'm really tired but still need do household, wash dishes, sweep floor... My sis watching drama in my room, although i'm tired but still cnt sleep yet. N my stomach dunno wats wrong, very pain at d time I wanna sleep, makes me cnt sleep well 4 d whole nit. Luckily I dun hv class on sat, if not sure skip class...

aM i A bAd gIrL???

I told him all wat I heard coz he keep on asking...Am I doing d rit thing by telling him all wat I noe??? I hv promised won't told him wat I heard, but I oso dun wanna b blur blur, confusing all d time and oso wanna b honest... Then now I'm really 内疚. Actually its oso my fault, coz I should change my blog 2 private b4 I post, then I won't b so 内疚, coz it would b my own secret, no 1 noe bout it...But wat have happened cnt b change...D time he get noe, he really angry...(I tink, coz from his world, can feel it) Although he keep saying fine, but I noe not really... He actually very care bout it, but yet still wanna pretend not care. I'm being bad gal in both sides...I din keep promise, I'm bad... I told him all, makes him angry, in a bad mood, I'm bad although I dun wan hurt any1... I hv try 2 comfort him, but dunno how much he would listen 2 me, coz I can't control other ppl...I should'nt told anything, I should keep my mouth shut... Wat should I do now??? I really dunno...So sorry...

cOnFuSiNg...

I'm really confusing myself... Did i really like him???He is not my dream guy, I heard a lot of bad things bout him n sumthing really shock me...I dunno him very well, all d things he told, I'm not sure izit true or lie. His way trying 2 woo me oso tat simple, nothing special or surprise me or make me feel very touch...So I'm not very touch wif tat... Mayb is bcoz d guys who woo me oways do d same thing, oways contact me, sms, chat lidat...D only different is d way they talk, haha...Sum can grab my attention 2 listen, sum don't...When I'm upset, he call me n try 2 comfort me, tat time only a bit touch coz long time no ppl so care 4 me...Izit bcoz I'm 2 lonely??? I dun deny tat I hv good feelings toward him, but I tink not yet reach "LOVE". However, yesterday I go read his blog, he stated sum1 there, but d person not me...I hv been tinking of who is d person 4 long time... Izit bcoz I care bout him??? Or it juz my selfish feelings???I really dunno wat I want, wat I need... I noe I can try but i'm scare, will d same thing happen again??? I dun wan a short term, play play relationship, n there r changing all d time tat I can't control. 计划永远赶不上变化。Like MOK said, d person who r d most close wif me is myself, n yet I oways blur blur ... (离你最近的人是你自己，你却总是看不清自己。）